It has taken a hold of you. It is as if chains are scratching and holding your heart with force behind an invisible wall of stone and you cannot seem to break it. You feel the way a wave of blood rushing to your forceful heart, gasping and begging for oxygen but it cannot get released from the chamber. It is locked.
You can’t breathe.
It will not let you and you do not understand why. Why does it hurt so much all of the sudden? Why does it feel as if someone has poked you really hard in the stomach with a real hard and thick tree stick? Gosh, why? Why does it hurt so much? Your mind has stopped working with the lack of blood and oxygen. Where did it all go? What is going on? What are you doing? You cannot think. You cannot feel. You do not know.
For God’s sake, you can’t breathe.
The taste of nothing has coated your tongue. You feel as though you might vomit because of the sheer taste of emptiness but…but there is nothing to throw up at all. There is nothing there, yet you close your eyes on instinct and try to prevent yourself from being sick. It is all empty. It is all lost. And you’re dizzy.
You feel offended. How can something so pure and so lovely turn so painfully and so vulnerable? You feel offended because your own heart has betrayed you. It is trying to kill you with the pain of love. You have betrayed yourself. It hurts so much.
The truth is pure torture. Torture that will not end. It is squeezing your insides as if you were stuck under blocks of big rocks. It is making your stomach sick because of all the dead and rotten butterflies. It is making your cells turn against you instead of for you. This is not healthy. This is not good. This is pure torture.
You can’t breathe.
You are suddenly realizing what is making you like this. You do not get it though. You keep ask yourself. Why, why, why? Why goddammit why? You just stand there, looking as if a bolt of lighting has hit you. You feel as if a bolt of lighting has hit you. Hard. It has hit you hard. Straight on the face, like a slap.
You breathe out.
“Sorry…..I think I’m in the wrong bathroom.”